"Being happy does not mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to see beyond the imperfections."
It has taken me a while since the closing of the store to realize that it is okay that things do not have to be perfect; just a reasonable version will do in most cases.
What is perfect?
I grew up going to church so I knew what perfect meant, intellectually. As a child I pictured perfect as grades and a clean room. That was as far as my mind was able to go. After I was baptized I knew it meant living a life for the Lord and I did do that but keeping my eye on the ball was hard. As a young woman, perfect meant the perfect job and the perfect boyfriend/would-be husband. As a Married woman perfect meant a clean house and a perfect marriage with no problems and no issues, attending church and basically trying to be a good person for everyone. Perfect was $10k in the bank and no debt. As a mother, perfect was well behaved children with no issues, immaculately dressed and perfectly coiffed hair with a bow on top as though it was the cherry on my perfect life. It continued to mean being all things to all people except for one, me. I HAD to be all things to all people; never let anyone down; do not disappoint and whatever you do, do not say no because that is a sign of weakness and a lack of "moral fortitude;" the same "moral fortitude" that would carry you through even when you dreaded the very thing you had just said yes to. Perfection meant to everyone and for everyone except the one person who was actually supposed make that happen.
In 2007, I was at my wits end. I was half a person inside. I wore a great façade and no one knew the depths of my personal exhaustion. I volunteered for everything and wanted to be in charge of things and yet still believed that I could have the clean house and well disciplined children I knew was possible. I had left the most important thing out of the equation. My faith was strong but I forgot that ask for help from God. I stopped praying and started doing on my own. That was also the year I discovered I had ADD and began medication. Frankly I’m not sure how I made it, with any grace, up to that point. I realized that was part of the reason I was all over the board and spread so thin and GOT bored with things very quickly.
Luckily, I looked around and everything was a mess. My house was a wreck. (I’ve never been a housekeeper anyway) I realized my mistake and started trying to close in on what was really important. I knew in my heart that I needed some time of introspection and focus so I started teach the first graders at my church. I wanted to get back in the Bible and I wanted to work on myself spiritually. I wasn’t sure where to start so I went back to my first love which is teaching children. That did help but I’ve always felt inside like I was meant to do something great; not for myself but to help others. I love to help. I’m just built that way but I had to make my own opportunities happen if I wanted to be the person I felt God wanted me to be and I knew in my heart I wanted to be.
In retrospect, sometimes I wish I had taken another path but God knew I needed a valley and not a summit. I had to appreciate the valley; both for it treachery and it’s beauty. Sometimes I wonder if another path would have been just as effective but God knew exactly what I needed to get my head on straight.
More to come....
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